Well. My wife/unwife went out on her birthday without me of course. Out drinking. Gets in a brawl that was not started by her. She took out a golden gloves boxer, some ultimate fighter types, bouncers , the boxers black belt girlfriend. Ended up a bar brawl. She was the main focus. You know take down the one that is not going down. Still she lost a tooth, Cannot see out of her right eye, someone tried to choke her out but lost a testilcle for his trouble.So her tongue was black and blue. Both eyes full of blood. Memory loss. and still has not went to get tests like her doctor and i said.
I told her i did not want to go after i gave her shit about at least inviting me so i could say no. I did not want to be around her drunk, or her useless friends that could not even be of use in a fight, i did not want us to fight, to see her fight, she tends to forget i am around and gets a little slutty, i do not like her drunk. She is dangerous to herself and others and i am done with drunken fights with her.
She is not getting that it is most likely over. She did too much damage to our marriage but worse our friendship. I do not like being blown off for kiss ass, stupid drunks that think they are better than drug addicts. Fuck alcohol is a damn drug. Just as fucked as meth. The trying to dominate me, starting fights to be able to go fuck up, the affairs, the lies that i tell her are not necessary . I always find out first of all, second i would rather be hurt by the truth of it all than lied to. I have no faith in her words of love, in her actions with her friends she obviously does not want me to know about.
She actually needs to finally let me go and quit relying on the fact i have always done the dirty work needed, saving her silly ass, standing up to her because no one else will, getting hurt but still there to help. Losing me, driving me away is the worse thing she could do. She does not have to be with me , but do not lie, or blow me off, or be a hypocrite about shit. She does not see that she is driving the nails into the coffin. I cannot wait anymore for her to get it strait before she ends up dead, in jail, or addicted again..I cannot let her continue to use me.
An example. I have the opportunity to do something entirely for myself. No responsibility to anyone for about a week. I am wanting to do something she is totally freaking out on, Threatening divorce (shit big deal, leave me?She left me left for dead in a figurative shallow grave, to fuck off, be an alcoholic, left me twice to be with men i had to get rid off. Once to save her life, the second as my revenge on that guy and to find out important info. She used me to do that while lying about being with him again(find a good guy damnit)that she fucked him and lied about it, that she was going to move to hawaii and marry this idiot.
That hurt and was the end for me.
You see she is blowing out of proportion what i am doing. She forgets she spent the last year or so a full time drunk, fighting, lying, rarely seeing our daughter, a mess.....So threatening me over a selfish two day thing is stupid and wrong.
So two weeks alone, while family is off to california. Silence. Alone time. First in years. I need this to regroup because afterward i am getting a job and a place.
Funny she probably will not see me. If she does she will run off when friends call. She talks about sex but that will not happen.
Basically i am going to live these two weeks for me and fuck anyone who does not like it
Well fuck you, not this time.
I want:
1 a god damn job. it has been four years, while it was cool to be with my daughter i am 36 years old and thanks to lithium i may be able to function.
2. I want to chase women , for a while, just relationships based on sex.
3 i want to draw more.
4 i want to not give a fuck for 10 minutes . Starting now.
Here is the deal. I am not going to say much in detail to be safe. The people she had been staying with and was going to move with , her and i thought everything would be cool. No the guy decided to be all over her and tell her she had to fuck him to have a place to stay. Big dude also. Well she had enough and kicked the living shit out of him in a bar , the bouncers and a few bodyguards could not stop her..funny nobody believes me when i tell them she is tough in the first place but put a ton of alcohol into an Indian and you have invincible.
She called me drunk and telling me a little of what happened and how she needs my drive for family etc.
Of course sobers up and decides that i am of no help. I did not get too involved because i am tired of the shit.
Then last night she shows up and tell me she is with some decent friends (for now). Again talking about us getting together. I believe this is what she wants right now. I do not know if i want to probably go through the the same bullshit. She is in denial a lot and does not always learn from her mistakes or admit them.
So What now. Do i try it at least or do i just say hey I love you but you do not treat me good and i need time at least. Or hey why don't we just do what we are doing . You get a place, i get one, sometimes we hangout together( i have no desire to hang out with her friends and deal with jealousy and weirdness) fuck sometimes if you need the connection and raise our daughter. Hope you find a decent man to make you happy and that i can respect and be friends with.Because i am happier now and i want to live my life a little , i was drowning in you, in drug addiction and alcohol and unmedicated bi polar depression, i want to see if i can do it. And i cannot survive the stress.
I just want her to have a good life, get it in order, maybe find a good man, and be that weird ex husband that turns into more of a friend older brother person.
Well who the hell knows , right?
the true revolution is in mind,
remember this and all else shines.
-paraphrase Rozz Williams , R.I.P.
Christian Death
Now what?
bitterness
